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This above all: to thine own self be true
Unstuck Monthly | April 2026
Knowing what you stand for changes how you lead. What do you actually stand for?
Know Thyself. Then Lead from There.
A client of mine recently described himself as utilitarian. He meant it precisely: he operates best when he can identify a clear purpose for whatever he’s doing, and he loses energy fast when he can’t. It was an honest piece of self-knowledge, and he offered it a little apologetically, as though it were a limitation he needed to work around.
What we figured out together is that it was actually the opposite. He considered his utilitarian orientation a flaw to manage when it was really the load-bearing structure of how he worked. Once we named it clearly, he could build from it. The behaviors that had felt like friction — difficulty with open-ended networking, impatience with meetings that wandered off-topic, reluctance to give project updates that felt redundant to him — weren’t personality defects. They were expressions of a coherent identity that just needed a better framework to operate inside. Once he stopped trying to change who he was, he could start designing around it. Adding a secondary objective to conversations, for instance, gave his utilitarian brain a purpose-driven reason to do the things that didn’t come naturally. In lieu of becoming a different person, he had to get clearer on who he already was.
In coaching conversations, we often explore the bounds of our self-awareness. Going deeper requires reflecting on self-knowledge, understanding “the why” behind how we operate, what we value, and what we stand for when no one is setting the terms for us. When self-knowledge is precise and honest, it is a leadership accelerant. The hazier it is, the more energy gets spent on internal negotiation, which leads to second-guessing decisions, operating on autopilot shaped by old assumptions, and managing the gap between how we show up and who we actually are.
When the Signal Gets Buried
Many of us have a working sense of ourselves — at least enough to function and to explain our preferences if asked. What gets lost over time, often gradually and without notice, is precision. Small accommodations accumulate and we lose clarity about our north star, values, or purpose. We lead the way our first difficult boss led because no one hands us a different model and we are too busy to stop and build one. We keep absorbing responsibilities that don’t belong to us because saying “no” once felt hard and now it just feels like the job. We operate on an outdated version of what we stand for, and the updated version stays vague because clarifying it would require decisions we haven’t made yet.
The result is a kind of low-grade misalignment that’s hard to name because it doesn’t announce itself as a crisis. We are always busy and moving, yet remain capable. But decisions that should feel clear actually feel murkier than expected, and the energy we expend doesn’t always feel commensurate with the progress we’re making.
Clarity about who we are and what we stand for is what gives every decision a reference point. Without it, we navigate by whatever is loudest in the environment around us.
Three Questions Worth Sitting With
In my coaching work, particularly with professionals working through a transition or a period of feeling stuck, a handful of questions surface reliably as the ones that actually move things. While not complicated questions, they demand candid answers, which is where most of us experience friction.
The first: what do I know to be true about myself, and how does my current work actually reflect that? This is a diagnostic before anything else. There is often a gap here because the original signal has gotten quieter underneath years of accommodation.
The second: how do I want to be known and experienced by the people I lead? The answer shapes how we show up when a meeting gets tense, how we give feedback to someone who needs to hear something difficult, or how we carry ourselves when the pressure is on. Leaders with a clear answer make more consistent choices in those moments because they already know what they are aiming for.
The third: what am I no longer willing to do? This one generates the most discomfort and, in my experience, the most useful insight. Often the answer points toward a standard we have been too hesitant to hold, a responsibility we have been absorbing that rightfully belongs somewhere else, or a way of leading we inherited from a difficult boss and never stopped to examine. This question is an invitation to lead more deliberately.
Clarity Is Kindness, Including Toward Yourself
We talk a lot in leadership development about being clear with others: clear expectations are kind; vague feedback is a disservice; and direct communication, even when it is uncomfortable, serves people better than well-intentioned ambiguity.
The same logic applies inward, and we apply it far less rigorously. When we are not clear on what we are doing and why, our moves are less efficient, less aligned, and more likely to generate friction with our teams, our organizations, and ourselves. While it may feel self-indulgent at the start, getting honest about who we are and what must be true about the way we lead is a prerequisite for everything else.
I did this work myself recently. Rebuilding my website, aligning on a visual identity, and defining who I serve, how, and why required me to get precise about who I am as a coach and what I want to communicate about that. It was more demanding than I anticipated, and the questions I was sitting with were the same ones I bring to clients. This kind of inventory applies at every level of leadership and stage of our professional life. (If you’re curious, check out the much improved www.pearlman.coach.)
Self-knowledge is a practice of returning to the same honest questions over time and finding that our answers have shifted, sharpened, or stayed stubbornly the same. What matters is that we keep asking, reflecting, and activating our nerve to make the required changes when necessary.
Thank you for getting unstuck with me.
Before you go:
What is the gap, if any, between who you understand yourself to be and how you are actually showing up as a leader right now?
How would the people you lead describe how you want to be known, and would their answers match yours?
What is one thing you have been tolerating, absorbing, or doing out of habit that no longer reflects what you actually stand for?
"Alex helped me narrow in on my values and needs ahead of a potential professional transition. I feel much more clear-headed about future decision-making."
– Deputy Director, City Government Agency
If this newsletter landed on something you're ready to work on, here are two ways to get started.
The Clarity Intensive
For leaders at a crossroads or in transition who have lost the thread of what they stand for. We work through the questions that cut through the noise: what you value, how you want to lead, and what must be true about the way you move forward. The output is a clearer internal reference point — one that makes decisions easier and leadership more deliberate.
The Leadership Diagnostic
The Leadership Circle Profile is a 360-degree assessment that maps the gap between how you think you're showing up and how others actually experience you. It surfaces the reactive patterns that limit your effectiveness and the creative competencies that expand it — giving you data, not just reflection, to work from.
The work of knowing yourself clearly is demanding. Having a thought partner makes it faster and more honest. If you're ready to do this work, I'm ready to do it with you.
Great conversations start with shared insights. My coaching practice, like this newsletter, thrives on connections. If you know someone who's navigating their own sticking points, I’d love for you to share this with them.
