Resources
Understanding Where We've Given Up Control
Unstuck Monthly | January 2025
We may have lost control of our professional lives last year, but 2025 is all about reclaiming our agency now.
Hi, friend!
As we close January, I'm struck by a particular pattern in my conversations with clients and friends. While many of us frame our professional challenges in terms of feeling "stuck," what we're really describing is something deeper: the gradual surrender of our agency over our professional lives.
What do we mean by agency? Simply put, it's our capacity to make purposeful choices and take meaningful action in our lives. It's the difference between things happening to us and us actively shaping our circumstances.
Surrendering our agency shows up in subtle ways:
The mantras we tell ourselves ("It could be worse")
The ways we hold back ("I don't want to make waves")
The choices we stop making ("Now's not the time for change")
Each small surrender of agency compounds until we find ourselves as passive observers rather than active participants in our own careers.
For Americans and people living in the USA, the recent Inauguration has heightened our sense of powerlessness, with so much happening around us that's beyond our control. Some of us use the daily news cycle as a distraction from workplace challenges, while others find that the current climate amplifies our professional dissatisfaction. Either way, working with a coach may be an important step in reclaiming our sense of agency.
In this newsletter, we'll explore how to reclaim our agency and take meaningful action, even in the face of uncertainty.
Highlights in this issue:
Recognition: "Sticking Points" focuses on understanding where and how we've given up control
Readiness: "A Deeper Look" links to tools and frameworks for reclaiming our power to choose
Response: "From the Network" highlights ways that clients are managing conditions for meaningful change
Beyond Acceptance: "Worth Exploring" and 'Happenings" will move from passiveness to agency in our professional lives
Thank you for sticking with me!
Alex
P.S. Check out these special offers for subscribers:
Free 60-min debrief when you take the Self-Determination Compass Assessment
Send the gift of coaching to a loved one and get free coaching sessions for yourself.
Sticking Points
Understanding Where We've Given Up Control
The first step in reclaiming our agency is recognizing where we've surrendered it. Often, this surrender happens so gradually we don't notice until we're deep into patterns of passive acceptance.
Think about these common scenarios:
We stop suggesting new ideas because "that's not how things are done here"
We take on extra work because "everyone is stretched thin right now"
We delay career moves because "at least we have stability"
These aren't just accommodations to workplace reality. They're moments where we've chosen – often unconsciously – to give up our power to influence our situation.
What makes this especially challenging is how reasonable these choices can seem in the moment. Being adaptable and cooperative are valuable traits. But there's a crucial difference between choosing to be flexible and forgetting we have choices at all.
This loss of agency is often reinforced by well-intentioned advice from those around us – Boomer parents who prioritize stability above all else, spouses who worry about risk, or colleagues who depend on us staying put. While their concerns come from a place of care, they may not fully understand our context or aspirations.
The signs that we've surrendered our agency often show up first in our language: "That's just how things are", "What can you do?", and "It is what it is."
When we hear ourselves using these phrases, it's not just expressing frustration – it's revealing where we've stopped seeing ourselves as capable of creating change.
Recognizing these patterns – in our own self-talk and in how we respond to others' well-meaning advice – is the first step toward reclaiming our agency.
The next challenge is getting ready to make conscious choices about our path forward.
If you recognize these patterns in yourself, let's find time to chat about it.
A Deeper Look
A great American icon and philosopher has been known to say “If you STAY ready, you ain't got to GET ready.” Here are some tools and frameworks for reclaiming our power to choose our professional way:
The Initiative Paradox
When we're feeling stuck, we often find ourselves taking fewer risks and holding back from opportunities -- exactly when we most need to take action. Understanding this paradox is the first step to breaking free from it.
Clear is Kind
Being indirect about our needs and boundaries might feel safer, but it actually depletes our energy and undermines our ability to create change. Clarity -- with ourselves and others -- creates the psychological safety we need to move forward.
Positive Pessimism
Sometimes our anxiety about change isn't holding us back; it's trying to help us prepare. By working with our natural tendencies rather than against them, we can transform nervous energy into productive planning.
From the Network
Recent conversations with clients reveal different ways they're moving from recognition to response:
Reframing "Good Employee" Behaviors. A client who was known for “never making waves” realized this reputation was keeping her stuck. She's now experimenting with ways to advocate for herself while maintaining professional relationships. Her first step? Having an honest conversation with her manager about being dedicated to certain projects that align most with her interests AND would address new team and customer priorities.
Creating Change While Staying Put. Rather than waiting for the “right time” to leave, another client is focusing on what he can influence now. He's initiated a cross-team project that both adds value to his organization and builds skills he’ll need for future roles.
Setting New Boundaries. A long-time client who felt trapped by others’ expectations is practicing saying “let me think about it” instead of automatic “yes.” This small change is helping her reclaim control over her time and energy.
Separating Identity from Circumstance. Two clients are navigating the emotional challenge of feeling responsible for declines in their businesses. They’re learning that circumstances beyond their control don’t define their capabilities or worth. Their focus now is on extracting lessons and identifying what skills and experiences they can carry forward.
What resonates with you in these stories? I'd love to hear your experience.
Worth Exploring
The Self-Determination Compass Assessment
Ready to move from recognizing where you've lost agency to actively reclaiming it?
The Self-Determination Compass Assessment measures nine key dimensions across autonomy, competence, and relatedness—from aligning to purpose and creating value, to developing skills and building community.
I developed this assessment specifically to help my clients identify where they’ve surrendered control and where they have opportunities to reclaim it. The results provide a structured framework for having honest conversations about what needs to change in your professional life.
Special offer: The first 10 newsletter subscribers to complete the assessment in February will receive a complimentary one-hour coaching session to debrief their results and develop an action plan for reclaiming agency.
Happenings
A Different Kind of Valentine's Gift
Is your partner's work drama consuming your nightly dinner conversation?
Have your friends' “quick coffee catch-ups” turned into two-hour venting sessions?
Are you running out of ways to say “that sounds really tough”?
Show your love this Valentine’s Day by giving them (and yourself!) the gift of leadership and executive coaching.
Because sometimes the most loving thing you can say is: "Have you considered talking to a coach about this?" 😉
Special Valentine's Offer: Book a coaching package for your loved one by the end of February and receive free sessions that you can use for yourself or share with others.
WD-40 for Your Mind
When work is tough or unsatisfying, we process our experiences through humor and look for inspiration wherever we can find it.
Like WD-40 unsticks door hinges, may this and future quips help unstick your brain.
Clear is Kind, Always
When leaders ask for "clear communication" but their own messages look like a railway switchyard, it's not just frustrating it's disempowering. Clear communication shouldn't be a one-way expectation.
Taking back our agency sometimes means politely asking, "Could you help me understand what you mean by that?"
Because clear is kind... in both directions.
You've survived another month. What's next for you?
Great conversations start with shared insights. My coaching practice, like this newsletter, thrives on connections – if you know someone who's navigating their own sticking points, I'd love for you to share this with them.
